A blog about everything and mostly about nothings

Hello all! It's probably more appropriate that I say, "Happy New Year!" It's 2014 and still I am blessed and grateful for the life I have. My kids are growing faster than weeds and the love of my life and I are as happy as the day that we professed our undying love to one another. Eww...sorry. Yes, motherhood and marriage are in full speed but I must remember to take it turtle speed so we take time to enjoy it.

I've missed the clunking of keys as I type nothings...so much to say. I haven't had much to say in three years, I suppose. That is a lie! So much to say, so little time. So, we'll take this day by day. One thing I want to say is I've always been concerned about continuing a blog that I felt had no purpose. I have no theme, I say things that I'm sure are of no importance to the cyber world. Then I got to reading blogs over the last three years and most don't have themes. Most are saying things 103,302,232 people are also saying. So what makes what I have to say more important? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! I decided I don't want to necessarily write for everyone out there, but for myself. It's going to be a bit uncomfortable folks but I've done this before. So don't judge me if you hate what I've got to say or if I've done something you don't agree with. Please...thank you.

The last three years were years of healing, restoring relationships, letting go of relationships and making new ones. I'm guarded and keep close to myself when meeting new people. I've been called names because of my ice cold heart but once I realize you're not a complete jerk I warm up easily. When we moved to Wisconsin, my heart left my city home ice cold again. Knowing immediately that I and my husband would be in for a long period of healing, restoring and building relationships...again. I've avoided talking about this desolate part of my life because I was not in a place in my heart to say anything. I knew my heart and mind were not ready. In three years the work the Lord did in us was extraordinary. We were reminded of His everlasting love, His promises, and the sufficient amount of grace He provides. The idea that others could love us like Christ loves us disappointed me because in the end, only Christ is capable of loving so perfectly. Though man may cause us to feel confused about who we are and His purpose for us, His promises remain as faithful as the day of Abraham. When I am bitter and unforgiving in my ice cold heart I know God's grace is powerful enough to melt it away. Through all of this came a transformation and I credit it all to my faithful Father!

Letting go...

Upon arriving to what would be the place my husband and I always knew we would call home and become heavily involved in ministry I knew it would take time before I would be able to make friends, find a church family, and ultimately find a pastor we wanted to call "our pastor." In time, in God's perfect time, we did. Yet God, knowing my heart condition knew what I would need and how much of it I needed. So, we began what our church calls "Community Groups", we had the privilege of hosting and leading one of the sweetest groups of people I've ever been with. My husband and I are in our mid-20's and we find no better company than in people older than us. We love them. The wisdom, honesty, and joy is what captivates us. As a Community Group we decided among us to read and discuss 1 John. Uh Oh. If you've ever read or studied First John you know it's exactly what you need to hear when you're carrying the baggage I was. It was then that God was going to reveal the condition of my heart.

"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us." 1 John 3:19-24

Did you read that? Read it twice because I spent an ideal amount of time re-reading this over and over and over. Trying to justify the condition of my heart. It's so frustrating when there is no way around it and you find nothing to justify your bitterness, anger, and even hate.

You know when you go see your doctor for your physical? You're in the examination room and the nurse is asking all the yes/no's, about how many, how often? She asks if you smoke. I don't but in this case I say, I do. She says, "How many?" "About six a day", I say. Then she gets up and leaves after shes gotten a chance to know you and then the Doc comes in. He's re-evaluating the answers you gave as he's listening to your heart and lungs. Then he says, "So you smoke about six cigarettes a day?" As if he didn't know your answer! But you're kind and say, "Yes, sir." As he takes his seat on his wheel-y chair, he clicks around on the computer, and turns toward you. Doctors can be tactful when they're about to tell you that smoking kills without saying smoking six cigarettes are going to kill you. Instead they talk about what it's doing to you...slowly. See, smoking as you all know is bad and it kills. Okay? But that's not what this whole thing is about. As we all know the popular effects of smoking deal with your heart and lungs. We know that smoking has the capability of effecting more than that but those are the examples I'm using. After all, it's my blog. I've learned there are approximately 7,000 chemicals in cigarettes, 250 are KNOWN to be harmful, yikes! This is the thing, those chemicals are slowly taking over your body. They make you more weak, more sick, and in time you'll become addicted. You need them to "relax", help calm your nerves, and sometimes it's because you need it. This habit, though you know what harm it can do and what the doctor has said, you justify it because: it helps when you're trying to relax, when you're shaky, and when you have a craving. Cigarettes, though they're almost 3 inches long, contain 2,000 pollutants and have the capacity to destroy the inside of your body. Think about it.

If you know what I'm saying in reference to my story. Kiss your brain because you're smart!

Those pollutants: bitterness, anger, hate. Though it seems like these emotions can have minimal effect, the longer they remain stored away the weaker you become. They were slowly damaging my spiritual life and in time it would die if I didn't stop being so consumed with it. My relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the one who gave me life and that more abundantly, was becoming less and less as I was polluting the place where he had made a home, in my heart. I was trusting my own emotions, my own thoughts, and justifying my killer pollutants.

Then I came to this place, "for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything!"

I knew the place I ended up in was not the place God wanted me in. Though we being humans feel emotions, we must know where and who to give them to: At the cross, the one that the Savior of the world carried, which possessed the sin of man. I'm ashamed that it took as long as it did but eventually I placed what my heart was bearing onto what I was promised could bear it all!

Then this happened...

"BELOVED, IF OUR HEART DOES NOT CONDEMN US, WE HAVE CONFIDENCE BEFORE GOD. Worldly confidence can be mistaken as pride because you've given the impression that all can be done through your own strength, abilities, qualities, etc. Our confidence before Christ is knowing that our own strengths, abilities, qualities, etc are not enough. In my case, relying on my own confidence would not lead me to be victorious. I failed to put my confidence in God: that He would restore my heart, that I would regain who I knew God had called my husband and I to be, and the call He had for us. My decision to place my confidence in my Savior healed me. My heart was now emptied of pollutants.

Which leads me to say that through all of that, we've viewed our faith differently. Our eyes have been opened to seeing the LORD even more clearly. We've found comfort in knowing who God isn't but who He has always been. A God that guides and leads His children out of their difficulties. When bitterness, confusion, even hatred were heavy upon my back making my steps stagnant; my sweet precious Father offered to bare it on his own. When my heart is full I desire nothing more than for it to be filled because He abides in me.

Outreach 2013 and much more to be done!

This is NOT a " I'm the worst parent" contest

There is so much to say as I haven't been present in the "blogging world" for a while now. So what do I need to say that got me to log on and click for "new post?" Well, first the topic of parenting is coming up a lot in my world. Which seems so fitting considering that it seems to be very relevant to our family right now.

I was reading an always encouraging blog called "Our Family for His Glory" and it's content will leave you wanting to be "the best" parent for your kids. Thats ultimately always been a desire for me but what a struggle it's been. No lies.

I know, another parent publicly speaking (through the cyberworld) about they're struggles and feelings of failure. I recognize I'm not the only one.

I have many stuggles as a parent but one in particular is my quick abiility to dismiss my children and make them feel like they're unwanted around me :( Because, in the moment, I'm feeling annoyed or frustrated with the fact that all I want to do is sit here and enjoy this cup of joe and go about MY buisness. There are a couple of words for this but I'm sure you're already thinking them.


This Lord, is something that torments me after the fact that I've done it! So after repentance is in place with my kids I find something to do with them for redemption-sake. I think to myself about how UNDESERVING I am of these precious kids. What did the Lord see in me that HE thought I could be the caretaker and counsel of these four innocent children?

I pray often "Lord, whatever I lack to provide for my kids or if there a slim chance of them turning out as anything less then what You want then please Lord, place in their hearts grace, love, forgiveness times ten."

Maybe, I'm hard on myself. I realize that I don't become hard on myself for "pity-sake" but for an attempt to dust myself at every failure in parenting I've had and try again. The Lord shows me much, convicts me much, teaches me much, and has grace for me much. Thank You Jesus! What I lack He provides.

I absolutely, no doubt about it, would run in front of a train. fight 4 two-hundred pound men (God forbid) for my children (and my husband of course, but this blog is not about him);)I know God sees my heart and my perseverence in this matter and thats why His grace is continually on me :D Perhaps thats why I'm blessed to have them because God knew I was as determined to not fail my children when others would. I will continually seek His counsel and the wise counsel of mothers I respect and admire.

Scattered thoughts...probably. But this is for me to understand but if you receieved anything through it, then brillant!

So many things to learn, teach, and provide for our kids and yet so little time.

Pray for us.

Compassion

There are many things the Lord has taught me, shown me, and brought me though. None, can compare to how He helped me experience the feeling of compassion.



Through devastating news around the world. Mostly, the area of Japan. It seems that believers have been given the opportunity to witness. Some in more radical ways then others. The social networking sites, video clips, and end time prophecy articles have increased due to a devastating natural disaster. Sure, we Christians can point at such sad events and call them the wrath of God and say, "See this, this is prophecy the end is near! Accept Jesus as your LORD and Savior or you will perish."



My point is not that we can't share end time scripture. My point is that I feel believers crave disaster and bad things to happen for the opportunity to share Jesus. Though it is an opportunity, our witnessing tactics should not bring a threatening fear but bring a desire to experience the Love of Christ in peoples lives. Do we forget how compassionate Christ was? He witnessed through His healings, His teachings, His ability to to make people feel loved. He didn't do this just to prove He was God, but because He was God abounding with love and compassion.



At this moment, many people are saddened. People are mourning. So, we should mourn with them. Pray for them. We comfort those who need comforting. We need to put our focus and allowing our hearts to reach the level of compassion. To suffer with those who suffer. Compassion is not just a stronger word for saddened it's also making the gesture of relieving those in distress. My heart has been changed to bring the lost into the Kingdom of God through the compassion that I have now gained for the hurt and the lost.



" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Mercies and God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 3-4



I understand that the world will experience worse things. But I don't intend to scare people with it. I merely will ask the Lord to mirror my heart like His and help me to reach people as He would.



" To the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some." 1 Corinthians 9:22

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! Asking God to help me become a more mericful wife.

I didn't think that I could continue this blog without informing everyone the definition of "mercy" according to Dictionary.com

Mercy:
Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence: Have mercy on the poor sinner.
the poor sinner.
An act of kindness, compassion, or favor.

And the definition of "forbearance" to better understand the word mercy.


Forbearance
1.the act of forbearing; a refraining from something.
2.
forbearing conduct or quality; patient endurance; self-control.
3.
an abstaining from the enforcement of a right.


I was having a conversation with a friend earlier today about the fact that I feel like I am in need of a vacation. Husband and I. Ranting about the fact that I talked to my husband about this need to take us on vacation because of previous not-so-splendid events. I later found it to be an opportunity to see how I'm a wife that doesn't show much mercy. Even though we got a good laugh over the phone it still remained true. I am my husbands not so pleasant reminder of the things he fell short to come through on. Especially on the days I'm feeling overly emotional.


You see, I feel like I'm deserving of a vacation. Because, well, we've been married almost 6 years. No honeymoon, still no vacation him and I. Not even a wedding night I thought was up to par according to my standards. Spoiled thought? Yes! I also don't fail to bring up our wedding night when I have the chance. Merciless? Very much!

Do I have the right to make my husband feel like he's being executed? OFF WITH HIS HEAD! No!I'm going to inform everyone that the antonym for "mercy" is "cruel". So during the times I'm purposely merciless I am being cruel. OUCH! My husbands intentions have always been the best. He wasn't purposely trying to make me feel discontent. Even if I was. Who am I? I'm embarrassed to even think that I should have that right to make him feel guilty about not getting or reminding him of events that should never be talked about again. It's not usually a habit for me to become like this character. I do know its a character that I don't want to fall into again.

God is merciful. He is merciful in our unrighteousness, our sins and our lawless deeds. He remembers them no more. Hebrews 8:12

Thats absolutely perfect love! I'm not perfect. I know that the LORD is. He is in my heart. I should live a life that mirrors His love through mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:7-9

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God."

To conclude this story, rant, and truth. I feel like it should be my head. But given the fact that my Savior is perfect He is fixing my cruel heart and teaching me some things on the way.

Have you ever had one of those days...you know, the good ones?

Today was a day of perfect balance. I want to say that from now on, every day is going to be exactly what today was. Might I add, can you have a perfectly balanced day when you have your period? Maybe sometimes. So with period and all it was a successful day. These are the days to blog about!

I've always known in my head that scheduling was important. I'm a planner, but not a hardcore by the minute planner. Especially with four kids four and under. One, because there are always unexpected things happening. Always discipline to be enforced. Another is giving kids freedom to be kids (only in appropriate doses). So I gathered that there was a perfect flow today.


I did however have to correct my oldest quite a few times today. Discipline has not been lacking these days. Especially with my oldest. He's a sneaky clever guy and that can potentially be dangerous. A house under control is very pleasant and the chances of you hiding out crying while ripping out your hair is less likely to occur. Discipline is key. To discipline and to teach.

I had to teach my oldest the word "aggravating" today. I defined in "kid terms" as "bothering." If you ask him, he'll tell you. We went over it more then a handful of times. He does it a lot with his sisters. There is a natural pull for brothers to behave this way with sisters so I'm not that worried about it. I also know my girls can be overly dramatic about it.

But anyway, I had the opportunity to thank God during my quiet time and acknowledge His presence. Yes, in my own room. No disturbances. For 20 minutes.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

That topped the day. Time to give my thoughts to Him, share my joys with Him, and giving Him praises is what brings me fulfillment.

So even though I'm not a hardcore scheduler, I do think having some kind of plan for the day is important. Its for sanity sake that I, as a mom, need some quiet time so I'm not a rude unlovable wife when my husband gets home :)

Life Less Extraordinary...

Well here I go several months later picking up where I left off. Like a long neglected relationship. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I'm actually in hopes that the relationship I have with my blog will work out. Pondering the word "loyalty" these days and finding examples of it within my own relationships with people. Searching the word out in the scriptures, finding of examples of it. Jesus calls us his friends and he laid down his life for us " Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:13

In my mind there are many people I would lay my life down for. I'm not sure they would right back. Thats the hard reality of it all. Being certain of who you know would and wouldn't. I don't even mean this in literal terms really. Figuratively, you could use this. In slang terms. "Who has your back?" Some I know close to me I've struggled to see that. I don't want to overlook my friendships. I hardly rant on subjects like this. I'm not usually emotional. But, that's how I am about the topic of friends. I don't have many. For reasons of my own. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that "they'll have my back." Otherwise with time they'll drift. Most of the time a current just takes things further and further away.

I'm most interested in seeing how this goes. What God is doing, teaching, showing me. My life is simple right now but I want it to be extraordinary! Don't confuse this with the things in my life. Because, my husband, my kids, family/friends, the church we attend, extraordinary. My life being a sweet devotion to the Lord, not as good as it should. I know I'm missing out. Thats how its simple and not extraordinary. Doing the least in my relationship with the LORD. I love the LORD Jesus and I know that He's invested in me. I really need to do the same.

So I've just been praising God for numerous things. One which I am very eager about is that we have been blessed with a remarkable home that we will be renting for a pretty remarkable price. Living with people had advantages. Well living with grandma and grandpa had advantages! Like, leaving the kids while Zack and I went out and enjoyed time with each other. Not to mention they got to catch up on the missed years they lost with our kids. But there have been tough moments as any experience living with others. I have learned things while sharing a roof like, cooking for a bigger crowd, organizing things better, blessing others by taking the burden of washing dishes and cleaning off their shoulders. On the other hand there have been a few things I have yet to learn. Like how to handle my frustrations when those who are sick come over and contaminate the healthy. This has been a complete pet peeve for me since having kids. And maybe a mother protecting her kids isn't what the big fuss is about. It was my attitude and bitterness that had me unpleasant in eyes of my GOD. I wasn't making JESUS look very good through my attitude and that's never a good thing when you lose your witness opportunity. I don't know, it never is too late to change. Its been hard going through the things that bother you most. I shouldn't lose sight though. I should keep the bigger picture in mind and that is that GOD is a GOD of peace and love and if I want to be Christ-like I must "put on Christ". I very much appreciate the prayers of those whom I, on a regular basis, fussed and complained to in my situations. I definitely thank the LORD for his abounding grace and mercy.