I've missed the clunking of keys as I type nothings...so much to say. I haven't had much to say in three years, I suppose. That is a lie! So much to say, so little time. So, we'll take this day by day. One thing I want to say is I've always been concerned about continuing a blog that I felt had no purpose. I have no theme, I say things that I'm sure are of no importance to the cyber world. Then I got to reading blogs over the last three years and most don't have themes. Most are saying things 103,302,232 people are also saying. So what makes what I have to say more important? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! I decided I don't want to necessarily write for everyone out there, but for myself. It's going to be a bit uncomfortable folks but I've done this before. So don't judge me if you hate what I've got to say or if I've done something you don't agree with. Please...thank you.
The last three years were years of healing, restoring relationships, letting go of relationships and making new ones. I'm guarded and keep close to myself when meeting new people. I've been called names because of my ice cold heart but once I realize you're not a complete jerk I warm up easily. When we moved to Wisconsin, my heart left my city home ice cold again. Knowing immediately that I and my husband would be in for a long period of healing, restoring and building relationships...again. I've avoided talking about this desolate part of my life because I was not in a place in my heart to say anything. I knew my heart and mind were not ready. In three years the work the Lord did in us was extraordinary. We were reminded of His everlasting love, His promises, and the sufficient amount of grace He provides. The idea that others could love us like Christ loves us disappointed me because in the end, only Christ is capable of loving so perfectly. Though man may cause us to feel confused about who we are and His purpose for us, His promises remain as faithful as the day of Abraham. When I am bitter and unforgiving in my ice cold heart I know God's grace is powerful enough to melt it away. Through all of this came a transformation and I credit it all to my faithful Father!
Letting go...
Upon arriving to what would be the place my husband and I always knew we would call home and become heavily involved in ministry I knew it would take time before I would be able to make friends, find a church family, and ultimately find a pastor we wanted to call "our pastor." In time, in God's perfect time, we did. Yet God, knowing my heart condition knew what I would need and how much of it I needed. So, we began what our church calls "Community Groups", we had the privilege of hosting and leading one of the sweetest groups of people I've ever been with. My husband and I are in our mid-20's and we find no better company than in people older than us. We love them. The wisdom, honesty, and joy is what captivates us. As a Community Group we decided among us to read and discuss 1 John. Uh Oh. If you've ever read or studied First John you know it's exactly what you need to hear when you're carrying the baggage I was. It was then that God was going to reveal the condition of my heart.
"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us." 1 John 3:19-24
Did you read that? Read it twice because I spent an ideal amount of time re-reading this over and over and over. Trying to justify the condition of my heart. It's so frustrating when there is no way around it and you find nothing to justify your bitterness, anger, and even hate.
You know when you go see your doctor for your physical? You're in the examination room and the nurse is asking all the yes/no's, about how many, how often? She asks if you smoke. I don't but in this case I say, I do. She says, "How many?" "About six a day", I say. Then she gets up and leaves after shes gotten a chance to know you and then the Doc comes in. He's re-evaluating the answers you gave as he's listening to your heart and lungs. Then he says, "So you smoke about six cigarettes a day?" As if he didn't know your answer! But you're kind and say, "Yes, sir." As he takes his seat on his wheel-y chair, he clicks around on the computer, and turns toward you. Doctors can be tactful when they're about to tell you that smoking kills without saying smoking six cigarettes are going to kill you. Instead they talk about what it's doing to you...slowly. See, smoking as you all know is bad and it kills. Okay? But that's not what this whole thing is about. As we all know the popular effects of smoking deal with your heart and lungs. We know that smoking has the capability of effecting more than that but those are the examples I'm using. After all, it's my blog. I've learned there are approximately 7,000 chemicals in cigarettes, 250 are KNOWN to be harmful, yikes! This is the thing, those chemicals are slowly taking over your body. They make you more weak, more sick, and in time you'll become addicted. You need them to "relax", help calm your nerves, and sometimes it's because you need it. This habit, though you know what harm it can do and what the doctor has said, you justify it because: it helps when you're trying to relax, when you're shaky, and when you have a craving. Cigarettes, though they're almost 3 inches long, contain 2,000 pollutants and have the capacity to destroy the inside of your body. Think about it.
If you know what I'm saying in reference to my story. Kiss your brain because you're smart!
Those pollutants: bitterness, anger, hate. Though it seems like these emotions can have minimal effect, the longer they remain stored away the weaker you become. They were slowly damaging my spiritual life and in time it would die if I didn't stop being so consumed with it. My relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the one who gave me life and that more abundantly, was becoming less and less as I was polluting the place where he had made a home, in my heart. I was trusting my own emotions, my own thoughts, and justifying my killer pollutants.
Then I came to this place, "for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything!"
I knew the place I ended up in was not the place God wanted me in. Though we being humans feel emotions, we must know where and who to give them to: At the cross, the one that the Savior of the world carried, which possessed the sin of man. I'm ashamed that it took as long as it did but eventually I placed what my heart was bearing onto what I was promised could bear it all!
Then this happened...
"BELOVED, IF OUR HEART DOES NOT CONDEMN US, WE HAVE CONFIDENCE BEFORE GOD. Worldly confidence can be mistaken as pride because you've given the impression that all can be done through your own strength, abilities, qualities, etc. Our confidence before Christ is knowing that our own strengths, abilities, qualities, etc are not enough. In my case, relying on my own confidence would not lead me to be victorious. I failed to put my confidence in God: that He would restore my heart, that I would regain who I knew God had called my husband and I to be, and the call He had for us. My decision to place my confidence in my Savior healed me. My heart was now emptied of pollutants.
Which leads me to say that through all of that, we've viewed our faith differently. Our eyes have been opened to seeing the LORD even more clearly. We've found comfort in knowing who God isn't but who He has always been. A God that guides and leads His children out of their difficulties. When bitterness, confusion, even hatred were heavy upon my back making my steps stagnant; my sweet precious Father offered to bare it on his own. When my heart is full I desire nothing more than for it to be filled because He abides in me.
Outreach 2013 and much more to be done!
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